SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.. The barbers were even afraid to start up a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair, reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been to a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you sir?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."  

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken"...She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, as everyone in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the Principals' office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked what my favorite live animal was... I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken...She sent me back to the Principals' office again. He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents told me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, she asked us to tell her what famous person we admire the most.....................

I told her, "Colonel Sanders"

Guess where I am now?    

Jennifer, a manager at Walmart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes, she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning."

"That's very good!" replied Jennifer. "A now you sir?" she asked the second man.

"Hmmm.. let me see. A blink !  It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said Jennifer.. She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep.. turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," she said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replid, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA !"

"What!?" said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

"Oh sure, " said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already Sh-t my pants "

Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you ! You probably will think of this every time you enter a Walmart from now on.  

 

                   TEST YOUR I. Q.

                    ( Irish Quotient)

1. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?

ans:   He couldn't afford plane fare.

2.  Where did green beer come from?

ans:

    Who cares as long as it keeps coming?

3.  How did the Irish jig get started?

ans:  Lots of Irish beer and too few restrooms.

4.  What's an Irish windbreaker?

ans:  Someone's who had too much corn beef and cabbage.

5.  How can you tell an Irishman's having a good time?

ans:

    He's Dublin over with laughter.

6.  What's Irish and stays out all night?

ans:   Pati O Furniture.

A BIG CYBER WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST MEMBERS:

                      CHELLINI

                       MY3302

Smiles to you everyday !   

There was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there...

Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

**********************************************************************

May the wind..

at your back...

not be the

result..

of the cornbeef

and cabbage

you had for lunch.. 

*********************************************************************

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to pass the beer and wine section.

One asks the other if she would like to have a beer..

The other answered that she would be uneasy about purchasing it.

The first nun said she would handle it, picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look on her face and the first nun said, "It's for washing our hair."

The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels into the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the rollers." 

An attractive blonde from Ireland, arrived at the casino.She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice...

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squeeled...."YES! YES ! I WON, I WON !"

She hugged each of the dealers, an then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked," What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know....I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Not all Irish are drunks

Not all blondes are dumb

But all men.... are men !      

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of fresh air. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead on his front lawn... He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:  "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, " Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites."

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: " Aye, tis certainly true...but we are also obligated to notify the next of kin."